


Instagram pt. 2

by Panicattheprinxiety



Series: Instagram, [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit is here, M/M, Please dont hate me for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 12:21:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17386385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Panicattheprinxiety/pseuds/Panicattheprinxiety
Summary: Just as sad, if not sadder, than the first.





	Instagram pt. 2

He looks so cute. That's all Virgil could think about the sleeping man in front of him. Roman looked in total bliss while sleeping, he always had. Not that he had been in awe of him while he was sleeping over before, he just noticed something new every time he fell asleep. 

It wasn't until about twenty minutes later Roman woke up, stretching before speaking. "Your house is always the best for sleepovers, I can never feel comfortable on a bunch of pillows anywhere else."

Virgil had smiled and blushed, even though his eyes still had a tint of red from crying after he had known Roman fell asleep, the other didn't say anything about them. Hopefully he doesn't see them, otherwise, the explanation would end in total rejection.

You see, the night had been full of Roman talking about every girl in their grade that Roman liked, which was a lot. Virgil, if you couldn't tell only had eyes from Roman in a romantic way. He knew Roman was perfect in almost every way and wanted to do nothing more than ask him out but Roman was straight. He knew he shouldn't be mad or upset but it still hurt. He wasn't in control of the others romantic orientation but he wishes it could just be a little different. 

By lunch Romans mom texted him asking him to come home, which he did after gathering his things and driving home. Before Virgil could close the door he turned around with a smile. "Love Ya!"

You told me once, dear, you really loved me

A small crack formed in Virgil's heart, because he knew it was a strictly platonic love. He waved and closed the door, leaning against it to catch his breath. Maybe it's for the best that he didn't have a chance. It would most certainly be the best for all the girls in their school since they all had a crush on Roman at some point, had to give someone else sometime with him.

That night he stayed awake for a while just thinking about the other. His cheeks became red and his heart ached at the thought of a certain memory, a memory of them holding hands. It had been a set up by their mutual friend Deceit as a joke that now seemed so crucial to all this misery he felt.

The three had been sitting in the library, Deceit and Roman talking about random stuff until they eventually got onto the subject of love. Deceit had dared Roman to hold Virgil's hand for whatever reason. Virgil himself had been listening to loud music with headphones on and didn't hear them. It was...a shock to say the least when his hand was suddenly grabbed and held. He didn't even have to look at the person holding it, because it felt right. Like they were meant to hold hands, at least that's what it felt like.

It was just a little spark of hope, a little spark that spread through him and felt like fire. Even though they had stopped a second ago his heart was still pounding. The bell rang, causing the other two to leave the library while he packed up his own things. It kind of hurt that no one stayed with him, but that was okay, maybe their teacher was just strict about time. Yeah, that's it.

Only that wasn't it. He didn't want to turn the corner only to see the guy he had been holding hands with was leaning against the lockers talking to a girl. He didn't want to, but he did. Turning into his next class it finally set in. He didn't really like me enough to want to hold my hand. 

But now you've left me and love another;

Once he got home he just went up to his room. He ignored all his older siblings, not that they asked why he looked upset. In all honesty, they hadn't noticed. All they really cared about at this time was whatever was for dinner. Not like he wanted to know, he skipped dinner that night.

He got a text late at night, that special sound that went off when Roman texted him. He hesitated to answer it but did anyway.

"Sorry if I freaked you out holding your hand, Deceit dared me to do it."

Oh, okay. That's fine. He was a bet. That. Is. Fine. He wasn't holding back tears, afraid to even let one slip out. No.

"That's fine. I just didn't know what was happening."

"Trust me its the only time I'll hold your hand lol. Even though no one could come between us I don't like the idea of us like that. Anyways see you tomorrow!"

And no one else could come between

He looked down at the hand Roman had held. He wanted to feel it again, just let him feel the wariness again. The feeling of being protected and guarded. Maybe a nap would help all of this. Yeah, that's what people in movies do, right? He took a long nap that day.

The sound of a door slamming downstairs woke him. "Mom." He thought to himself. "What could it be now." 

He stayed in his room, his safe space. He looked over at the spot Roman had slept in the other day, still populated with two of his blankets, his favorite pillow, a nightmare before Christmas themed pillow, he only gives up to Roman and an extra phone charger plugged into the wall. No messy though, all neat. Most days like this he would just swallow his pride wallow in his own self-pity, but today felt different. Today he felt like writing. He felt like writing a letter confessing his love. Maybe getting it written would help him get over it.

Do you ever think of how it felt for me to hold your hand? It felt like nothing I had ever experienced. I didn't want to tell you out of fear of you thinking I was weird or something, but that was the first time I held hands with someone I was in love with. I know, silly right? Why didn't I just tell you? You know why. You've made it very very clear you don't like me like that. But that's okay, I wouldn't like me like that either. I don't. But that's not the point. Let me tell you every time I had fallen more in love with you in the past year.

1\. New Years

I never got the new years to kiss I wanted. The one I wanted, yours, was given to someone else at the party you brought me to. You promised to stay at least within the same room as me. We didn't, I hid in the kitchen most of the time while you were busy charming every girl there. Do you know how heartbreaking it is to watch the one person you want to kiss flirting with everyone else in the room? Probably not, you can get a date with anyone. I never realized I was in love with you until that night. Nothing had really made me put the feelings together until then. Watching you laugh and sparkle against the lighting that was set up was better than any Broadway show in existence. 

2\. Valentines day

Yeah, I know what I wanted to get you that day. I had bought a specific bunch of flowers the day before, just for you. It had red, gold and white flowers. Of course, I had to sneak out late when all my siblings were asleep, but for you? It was so so worth it. I decided to just bring them to you after school but that was a mistake. I walked into class to see the girl you made out with hugging you. What was wrong with me? Why did I ever think you, of all people, wouldn't have a date? I just sat in the back away from everyone, I told you I just didn't feel like being around people but really I didn't want to see you and that girl being cutesy to one another. If I'm honest a few tears shed because the only way I could look was looking at you, and looking at you meant I had to look at the perfect person. The perfect person I couldn't have.

3\. School end

You remember that day that I found out you like guys and girls? I don't remember if I ever told you but I had seen you and Jacob making out against the lockers. I didn't want it to be true, I would have done anything to make that part not really. Once you told me all about your date I was deeply sad. Not just oh bad day sad I mean I woke up not wanting to move. 

I've always wondered how it would feel for you to hug me just like you hugged him. Like nothing else mattered. But I never asked for a hug, it would make the rejection worse. I never asked you for anything that could even remotely be romantic. 

You know, I always thought of you like the sun in my life. I knew I could never ever touch you, but I can admire your beauty from far away. Try to present you with something worthy.

He lifted his pen and looked down at the piece of paper on the desk. That wasn't even remotely all of what he felt. Was he going to admit that in the letter? No. Was he going to give the letter to Roman? Definitely not. 

He folded up the paper so he could hide it in an envelope. Before he stuffed it in he decides to add the few words he knew were true. It's okay, I wouldn't choose me either. 

He stuffed the envelope and went over to his bed, placing it with the others he's written. He kept it inside the mattress because he, of course, got stuck with the oldest one that had holes in the bottom. It was mostly covered by his comforter and so either stuff under the bed. Every night Roman stayed over he silently freaked out because what if he finds the letter? He'll never want to get near you again.

But somehow nothing ever got found. He got tired again. Cuddling up to the blankets on the floor, because they were there not because it held Romans scent. No, he wasn't comforted by Romans scent. Never.

He gently fell asleep on the floor. He dreamt of himself and Roman, cuddling, making food, watching their favorite shows. Anything that cute they could do as a couple, he dreamt about. 

Waking up he realized it was all still dreaming, the houses the dogs the family they had in his dream, all fake. There's no way he could ever like me. Ever. Stop dreaming of it. He won't care. 

You have shattered all of my dreams:

In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me

He did remember one key part of his dreams. Every one that ever involved them, Roman left at some point. For work perhaps? Maybe just a thread in his dreams. Nevertheless, he always left. He left Virgil to take care of everything. He knew real Roman is like that, nowhere near that actually.

When I awake my poor heart pains

His chest felt swollen. He loved this feeling, one might even say addicted to feeling it. A feeling of worthlessness, hatred, loneliness. He was addicted to this. Pain is addicting, and he was just a victim of it. Sure, sometimes it wasn't enough and he wanted to cry, but sometimes it felt so good to feel like this. 

So when you come back and make me happy

There are a few times where he hoped things would change. Like maybe Roman would come over, them hang out like normal but...they'd do things romantically. Like cuddling, kisses on the forehead, doing things couples do. He hadn't been in an actual relationship before, although Roman had been in plenty, and didn't know exactly what couples do. Well, it's not like he was going to teach him.

I'll forgive you, dear, I'll take all the blame

He would. He already took the blame for some things, all relating to him. All of them. He'd take the blame for knocking over the books in their teacher's room, earning him some dirty looks from the teacher but a smile, A. Smile., from Roman.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

He knew, deep down, he would never get his sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are gray

He'd be stuck in the rain while everyone else has there beaming lights. Why couldn't anyone like him? Was it his clothes? Hair? Personality?

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

He looked under the bed to see the imprint of the letters from inside the mattress. He counted, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Seven letters he's written. None of them ever get used. Probably going to the burn pile. He shouldn't keep them, should he? No. Just a reminder he couldn't find love.

Please 

Virgil closed his eyes and let out a deep breath.

don't 

Things never got better. In fact, he ended up being a guest at Romans wedding. He was neighbors with Patton during their third year of college.

take 

He lost connection with Logan, but heard from Patton he was okay, just not wanting to talk to may people. Maybe if I meant something to him I'd know that.

my

Eventually, he had to face facts. No one loves him like that. No one has, no one will. Maybe platonic, never romantic. He wanted it. He craved romantic love. He'd do anything. Anything to come home to someone, someone to hold him close, telling him how good he was and how much the world needed him.

sunshine 

But he never did. He always fell short of what people wanted. He never got any matches on dating sites, he never got over being rejected by the three men he wanted more than anything. But it wasn't like he still wanted them. He defiantly didn't miss Patton's adorable smile and kindness. He probably didn't even think about how helpful Logan was during hard times. And Roman, he defiantly didn't think about everything he did. Every word, smile, wave, or interaction they had. Those definitely weren't burned into his memory.

away

He stared at the ceiling of his apartment. I'll always be alone.

And he was.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------  
Save me holy crap.


End file.
